I don’t know how to feel about you or the predicament you’ve put us in.. I was there and I remember thinking, “Oh there’s more people here than usual, shirtless boy, ouch that plant just scratched my knee.” And there you were, putting your shirt back on. I was just standing there. And then I was sitting. And then there was awkward eye contact, followed by you introducing yourself, a very clumsy handshake and my night was over. You had me with that.

My only way of making it known I was interested was offering to drive us to that party. Coincidentally, ascertaining a friendship with Cheyenne at the same time. You talked a lot. You asked to hold my hand and pretend we were dating. You put your arm around my waist. I was gone. You don’t even understand.

And then we saw each other again. You said “Right meow”. You had me. That was it. You kissed me, you wouldn’t listen to the words coming out of my mouth. You knew I wanted to kiss you back. Its pointless to keep saying you had me. YOU HAVE ME.

The next night, you started making promises. I know you cant keep them. We’re not going to see or speak to each other for a very long time. You don’t know yet but this is the lifestyle I’m built for. I’ve been subjected to this kind of life for 20 years. It’s what I know. I know you’ll meet someone and she’ll be good enough to smash.. and hell you might never see her again. You might come back and still want me. I’ll be here waiting. You weren’t obligated and I told you that, but you still made the attempt, the promise. I let you. Do what you want, just don’t tell me.

I don’t know how to deal with all of it though. Should I expect you? Or should I forget you? I don’t know, and somehow, after everything I’ve ever cried about over guys, this is okay. I’m okay with not knowing. There’s a maybe at the end of every thought that pertains to you.

That time I didn’t want to go to Daryls house because I was upset about what happened between him and Shanda… but then met a really nice guy… Yeah. That time I was really glad I got out of bed.

I don’t want to go to your house and hang out with you. I dont want to drink with you. I had so much hope for you and you crushed me.
You think liquor is an excuse to do stupid shit. It’s not. You hooked up with a delusional forty year old woman who calls herself your mom. That’s disgusting. I don’t want to touch you. I know we’re just friends but I can’t even look at you.

Dear god I would love you. I would buy you silly thoughtful gifts for no reason, I would give you kisses in the morning when your eyes are full of sleep. I would brush your fingers with mine randomly throughout the day, I would run my hand over your back every time I passed you. I would tell everyone I was yours. I would let you hold me. Fucking god. I would let you drive everywhere, I would hold your hand and hug you. I would rest my chin on your chest and just think about you and me and us and how much I adore you. I want to find you and love you so badly it is physically painful.

I’m cooking too much. It’s because I need a new job and I finally have an interview but it’s not going to work and I already know it. And I like you and I made you cookies and you liked them but you don’t like ME.

My friend (we’re basically family, our dads were besties and we’ve known eachother since we were infants) just told me she’s pregnant. I cried. Im so fucking happy for her. I never worry about this girl, she’s always had her head on straight. She’s going to be an amazing mom.

You just know. He doesn’t text a simple thank you when you’ve relayed a piece of info. He sneers gross when you make a joke about kissing. He shows no more interest than usual even after he knows the truth. It’s like he’s saying im not interested… Only he doesn’t even feel the need to actually say it. It’s being conveyed through interaction. It’s just another form of rejection, except lazier.

I want you to want me the exact same way that I wan you, with the same intensity and drive and courage. I wish you wanted me. If I wish hard enough maybe it’ll happen.